Pour Your Heart Out . . .I Needed Help .

It's time to pour your heart out with Shell @ Things I Can't Say. If you have something you need to get off your chest, I recommend it!

Growing up I was an extremely athletic child.

I was on my swim team during the summers and started running track as soon as I hit junior high. I was the stick of my family because of this. I would eat like a horse and never have to think anything of it.

This continued as I went to college and was an avid runner throughout.

But once my mom passed away, I didn't have the drive to do anything. I had actually taken off of school for a little bit to take care of my mom when she was sick. My whole life was focused on her and helping her get better.

Once that didn't happen, I just morphed into a girl I did not know. Someone who did not treat her body with the respect that it deserved.

I was bulimic.

I would eat everything in sight and then go and throw it up. I remember one time specifically. My dad had gone to bed and he had just bought a store made chocolate cake. I ate a couple of slices of this cake and then I proceeded to eat all the frosting off of it. All the while tears are pouring down my face because I know this is wrong and I know my mom would be so disappointed in me.

This continued for a while. I even moved in with my sister thinking that I would get the comfort and support I needed to stop. Know one knew about this. I was just so ashamed to even tell anyone.

But then sunshine came into life, by the name of Lew. I knew I had to stop because I could not burden anyone with this problem. For a while I did.

One day when I thought Lew was sleeping I went into the shower and purged. I don't know what came over me. But he heard.

He opened up the curtain and I was holding my knees, sobbing. He told me that he had suspected something was wrong because I would eat like a bird around him.

We had only been dating for 4 months and I thought for sure, I had just ruined what I thought was something special. He told me he would support me, if I got help and told my family what was going on.

So I was forced to expose my secret that I had been keeping for a year. Once I told my sisters they were shocked and in disbelief that someone so active would do a 180 and harm herself like that.

But they understood. We were all dealing with the loss in a different way.

I got help. I realized my bulimia was the only thing that I could control at the time of my mom's death. Since I was not able to control her dying, I was slowly hurting myself for it.

I vowed that I would help others with this. Which is why I went into the fitness industry. I wanted to inspire others to take care of their bodies. If I came across someone really struggling I wanted them to know that I was there.

I was there to help. Because it's okay to need help.