Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Finding me . . .

If you are like me and sometimes hold things in tell your heart is ready to burst, then this is a meme you should participate in. Shell is an amazing blogger and you could totally tell she would be an wonderful friend.

The original post I wrote, was just deleted by my fast and furious typing on our new lap top. I still haven't figured out what button I pushed but all my precious words are gone! Maybe, I should pour my heart out about that.

So, I am going to give the short version of it all and try and not get too wordy.

My mom died of Lung Cancer when I was 21. Before you say, "Did she smoke?" I will tell you, she did. So, perhaps this cancer came on because she was a smoker. Sorry, I get really defensive about it because it's my mom we are talking about. There are plenty of people who have gotten lung cancer, didn't smoke, smoked along time ago, or just gave it up.

Anyway, I became her caregiver at the age of 21. I had moved up to Connecticut from Virginia where I was attending George Mason. But, a bad break up lead me running to the open arms of my mom. I am the baby after all. She nutured me and held me and told me everything would be okay.

A couple months later she was diagnosed and I became her full time caregiver. My older siblings were in VA. My dad traveled pretty much every week for his job. So it was us. I did everything that involves taking care of a cancer patient. Even during her darkest hours of night sweats, wretching over a toliet, I didn't want to be anywhere else. I didn't want anyone else taking care of her. I get my nuturing spirit from her.

After the cancer took over her frail body. Her breathing slowed, and she became weak. We knew something was going to happen but being the Momma Bear that she is, she never let us believe it would take her.

I had a lot of growing up during that time. It was precious time that I am so glad I had. She helped me find a passion for fitness and taking care of others. So, I will never forget that. She helped mold me even after she was gone.

I did attempt to go back to school, finished a couple semesters but I really dove head first into my work as a Personal Trainer and became quite successful. Before the boys, I was managing a gym, teaching tons of classes and had an amazing Personal Training career.

Four years later, I am doing In Home Personal Training, which I do love. But, sometimes I miss going to the gym and being around adults for 8-10 hours at a time. I feel like I have lost my mojo, if you can understand that. Don't get me wrong, I am lucky that I am able to make my own hours and still be here for my boys. I want them to have what I had growing up, which is a mom who loved and cared so much. Who was at school functions, who laid on the couch with you and ate popcorn. Who scratched your arm, just because. I am so very thankful for my clients that I have. Not only are they my clients but I do consider them friends as well. I recently lost two clients. Primarily because they were not using their gym memberships that they were paying for. But, it still hurt. It had me re-evaluating why I was doing what I was doing.

It gave me clarity and re-focus which is good. I now know that I am going to finish my degree in Exercise Science, not only for me, but for my mom who believed in me all those years ago. I am going to take some yoga classes. I am also going to take a cake decorating class.

All, because this is the year of finding me again.


Barbara said...

You are so amazing to take care of your mother. Beautiful post.

Shell said...

year of finding me again- I love that.

And you can do it!!! Because your mom would have wanted you to and because it's what's best for you.

Branson said...

I need to do a little more "me finding" this year as well! Here's hoping we both succeed! :)

Anonymous said...

Yay for finding you and for doing the things you have wanted to do! I am sure your Mom would be proud of the mom you have become and proud that you are going to pour into yourself this year!

Callie said...

What an amazing story. And good for you to strive towards new goals and learning more about yourself.

I started taking yoga this fall and the entire hour I'm thinking, "This is nice....I hate it!" :) I workout five times a week and it's hard to wrap my mind around the physical "stillness" that is yoga. I'm always glad I did it, though. I'll be interested in hearing what you have to say about it.

Chelle said...

Beautifully written, sweet friend.

Find you. Sometimes as moms we get lost in who we really are--I totally miss the adult interactions and feeling like I succeed somewhere else.

I'm proud of you, Jenny!


amanda said...

good for you friend - "the year of finding me" - awesome!!

Clare said...

i can't imagine what you went through taking care of your mom! you are one strong lady!! good luck on all of your goals, i think they are awesome and your mom would definitely be proud!