Eli

I am hoping that one day, when I read this again, that I will be like...see everything is ok.

Eli...when you look deep into my eyes, I feel like I am really seeing you. When you make that connection and our eyes meet, if only for a second, I feel like I know you. I do know you. But, I don't know what your words sound like. It makes my heart ache. Do you get what I am saying? Your little body and mind get so jumbled that it is so hard for you to connect to the here and now. So..when you turn and look at me, really look I feel like I am seeing my little guy for the very first time. I cherish those bit and pieces.

Sometimes they don't happen every day, that's ok. I know you are taking your time and I have started to cope. You are your own being. Constantly running, jumping, stepping off the couch and the bed. Literally. It used to make me nervous, but not anymore. You always land on your feet. In fact you get satisfaction out of it. Last night you even climbed on top of your peddle car with Will in it. Crazy. That, made my heart jump!

I am learning so much about you, and what your body and mind are going through. I read everything I can. I've joined support groups, and try and implement anything I learn, to help you. This week we are going to try joint compressions and brushing with your occupational therapist, which seems to help a lot of kiddos. Keeping my fingers crossed but I'm not going to get upset if it doesn't work. You will do it when you are ready. Your weighted vest is almost here! It is suppose to help you focus and calm all those sensory seeking actions.

I am trying baby. I just want you to know that. I am doing everything I can to help you. We tried so hard to conceive you, so I will never give up.

Love you more than air.

Mommy