Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Time To Pour Your Heart Out-

This Wednesday I am linking up with Shell @ Things I Can't Say to Pour My Heart Out. So if you need to get something off your chest or just have a little vent, go link up and let it all out.

What I am going to pour my heart about is something that is extremely close and very sensitive to me.

When I was 21 my mom died of Lung Cancer. It sucked. It rocked my comfy little world. I was sort of in a transition phase. I left school and everything I knew in Virginia to be with her and my dad in Connecticut. I am the baby of the family, and I considered myself to be the closest with my mom. My dad traveled for business very often and was not able to be around with treatments and appointments, so I was the primary. Which I did not mind. I loved my mom more than I loved myself at times. She was the best.

The months that she and I had together were months that I would never ever want to take back. I feel out of my siblings I am the lucky one. I got to spend a lot of one on one time that they were not able to do. She and I took walks on the beach. Went shopping. We went out to eat all the time and ate whatever we wanted. It was very freeing. This all happened a lot in the early stages of her diagnosis.

Because there were hospital stays and lots of chemo and radiation. Times where she and I just sat on the deck and looked out at the ocean not saying a word.

At one point my mom hit a road block and she really wanted to die. She could barely eat. At times barely breath. She just did not want to be like this. She asked my dad if she could be committed because she felt like she would take her own life if she did not talk to someone. So we did. She stayed for a weekend and it helped. She came out my mom again. She felt like this cancer was not going to be her death sentence.

We celebrated her 47 birthday with my middle sister and brother in law and the smile on her face was something I will remember forever. She is my angel.

She died on July 24, 2001.

Please if you know someone who has lung cancer or enter a conversation about it, don't let the first thing out of your mouth be, "did they smoke". It hurts. My mom did smoke for a long time when it was the "cool" thing to do. But she did quit. And it was a couple of months before she even got her diagnosis. Hearing someone ask that question before they even ask about the person, well that hurts too.

Cancer sucks!

25 comments:

Brandi said...

That's heartbreaking and beautiful at the same time... beautiful that you had such a bond with her and got to be there for her and spend time with her when she needed you most. {{hugs}} :)

P.S. That pic of Will in the sidebar is SO cute!

Angie said...

How wonderful that you were able to spend that time with her. I am sure you still cherish every moment.

I am sorry for your loss.

liz said...

Wow, what a sad but touching story. And I'm sure it meant a lot to your mom to have someone there for her. I agree with the smoking question. I have a dear friend who was diagnosed with cancer in her throat (she's in her 50's). She is a smoker, and got a lot of nasty comments after telling people of her diagnosis. Sticking it in someone's face is SO not the right thing to do.

MommyLovesStilettos said...

Cancer does suck and asking if the person smoked...that's just RUDE and heartless in my opinion. *HUGS*

purseblogger said...

I am visiting from Shells blog. I loved this post. How wonderful you got to have that time with your Mom. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Shell said...

How heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. So wonderful that you have those memories of her, but awful that she's no longer around.


I admit that I've thought about "did they smoke?" when I hear that someone has lung cancer. Not asked it, but the thought is bad enough. And, I realize that even thinking it is completely disrespectful to the person who is suffereing and their family.

Thanks for pouring your heart out.

Angelia said...

I'm so sorry about your mom, but how great to spend time with her! I am now a non-smoker, after 15 years of smoking. Quitting was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It's hard for people who have never smoked to understand.

Lindsay said...

oo Jenny this post was so touching! My heart breaks for you! I am glad you got to spend that time with your mother I am sure you will remember it forever! We had good friends of ours that lost their father to lung cancer less than a year ago. Thanks for sharing your story.

Krystyn said...

Oh, how heartbreaking. I can't even imagine.

But how lucky of you to have that time together.

(Isn't today National Butt Out day or something like that).

Aphrodite's Mortal Friend (ME) said...

Brave story- and I like that you are reminding people not to have the first words be, "did she smoke"- even if she did, which I gather you mom did, that doen't make it OK to die from cancer- it does suck. Really suck. I am going to follow you now after those inspiring words ;-)

Kim - In Search of Me in Mommy said...

Thank you for sharing such a powerful story! I can not imagine how hard that was. I am sorry for the loss.

melonbelly said...

Wow. I admire you writing so honestly. I cannot imagine losing my mom....and then being strong enough to share. I am sure this was therapeutic for not only you, but many of your readers.

www.melonbelly.blogspot.com

Heather said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer does suck. I have lost many people that I love because of Cancer.

Adrienne said...

I am so sorry ..My dad died from enphazema...My aunt is currently under going chemo for lung cancer. and she smoked as well as dad...it pisses me off too when people are that way ...I know a great woman who never smoked a day in her life who died from lung cancer in January. I am so glad you spent that time with her. PS I love your blog how awesomely adorable is your kiddo!

Stepping On Cheerios said...

I'm so sorry for you. She clearly made an impression on you and I bet you are a better mom. I also bet she is with you all the time.

PS: Love the blog design!

The Mommyologist said...

I can't imagine how much you must miss her!! It is wonderful that you had that time together.

Miss. Candy said...

You just made me want to run and hug my mom! It sounds like she was very blessed to have such a great daughter as you!

Kerri said...

Cancer Sucks! I am so sorry for the loss of your Mother. I'm glad you made those memories with her.
I was sitting at my computer looking for messages to write in cards that I am making for Cards4Cancer day.
It's April 10th..
Thanks for sharing and being so honest about it...it was beautifully written

amanda said...

so very glad that you and your mom had all that extra special time together. i am sure she is sooo very proud of the mother you have become :)

Lindsay said...

I don't even know what to say. But just that you will be in my prayers. What a hard thing to write about but I am glad that you shared this story.

Christy said...

Gosh, I am so sorry friend. If nothing else, I am glad you and your mother got a chance to bond during that time.

Kmama said...

I'm so sorry you lost your mom to cancer. No matter what kind, cancer is just such a terrible thing.

I'm glad you were able to spend some quality time with her, and I'm sure she would say the same!!

Michelle Pixie said...

Oh Jenny! I am so sorry. I was a caregiver along side of my mom while my grandmother was dying of lung cancer and I have walked the path you have walked. And by no means is loosing a grandparent the same as loosing a parent, I know, because my dad died 2 years ago. My grandmother died of lung cancer March 19, 2000 and I just can't believe it has been 10 years already! I am so glad to hear you had that time with your mom that is just so special. :)

Michelle Pixie said...

PS. I tried to send you an email yesterday in response to your comment on my post and your email wouldn't work? And I have gmail too...I wonder what was going on? In any case I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by. ;-)

Chelle said...

Totally crying right now. {{hugs}} honey. I hate cancer. You know my Grandpa has lung cancer. And I feel like right now the disease is winning. My fighter of a Grandpa isn't quite the fighter he was. He hates it. I hate it.

I never judge anyone with any cancer. It pisses me off when people do that. We all do things that put us at some risk. And cancer just goes where it wants. Ugh.

I love you honey. Your mom sounds like such a wonderful mom, woman and I know you have a beautiful, loving angel watching over you and loving your little Bubsy.
xoxo